A Mother’s Worst Fear

As a mom I worry. I worry about my kids all the time.  I worry about if they are eating enough fruits and vegetables.  I worry about if they are getting enough sleep.  I worry if they are making friends at school or if they are struggling with math.  I worry about everything, it’s kind of my job. Most of these worries however I turn over to God. I ask Him to help guide me along the way. I seek His presence in situations and I trust that He is with them when I can’t be. Take tonight for example.

We had just finished up dinner. My two three year olds were running around as diva and I cleaned up the table.  My husband had went outside to move the car into the garage, there was a storm moving in. I told the boys to stop running before someone got hurt, of course they were in a big game of chase and either did not hear me or chose not to listen. Baby girl decided to join in on the fun and took off after Big Al as he rounded the corner. Diva finished picking up the plates just as the crash happened.   All I heard was the loud thud and then the screams from Big Al and Baby girl. When I turned my head there was a pile of kids in my floor. Elmo on top, baby girl in the middle and Big Al on the bottom with blood coming from his mouth. I jumped up and ran over, quickly grappling a towel to stop the bleeding and tried to calm down the two that were crying.  About the same time my husband walked in and saw the situation as it was unfolding. He took baby girl, she was fine just scared from the fall I imagine, as I worked with Big Al.   Thankfully it was just a busted lip that took just a few minutes to stop bleeding.  As he realized he was in fact not dying he quickly gathered his things back up and headed back to the living room.  That’s when we realized Elmo was missing. It had only been a few minutes since the incident but still we could not find him and that was not like him. My husband and I both called out his name….no reply. He took the downstairs, I ran through the rooms upstairs….nothing.  I came back downstairs and found Todd searching. My hear started to beat faster. Where was he? I started searching again. First the kitchen, then the piano room, nothing. Todd met me back in the living room and our eyes met. We yelled again this time a little louder. I went downstairs and tore throw the closets and opened the bedroom doors….nothing. Panic sat in. I ran up the stairs and could hear Todd yelling “come on out buddy your ok”  Fear was taking over as I flew up the second flight of stairs. This time I went in every bedroom, checked every closet, and under every bed…..nothing.  Back down the stairs I went.  We made another sweep through the main floor before it hit me.  The garage door had been opened. I grabbed my keys and we went out the door.   Todd checked the car as I ran outside and looked in the van.  Todd ran around the front of the house as I looked up and down the street.  My heart was beating out of my chest and it was becoming hard to breathe. We ran back in the house frantic not knowing what to do or where to look, when we hear diva say “I win I win I found him” We both ran towards her voice and there in between the chair and the wall curled in a ball was our little guy.  Frightened and alone. 

I was never so glad to see him. I picked him up and held him tight as the tears ran down my face. My heart was beating so hard my chest was physically jumping.  In a small voice we heard “is they ok? ME’s sorry me hurted them. I don’t like blood. Blood gross” He had been hiding the whole time because he was scared he had hurt his brother. He was never in any danger. He had been in the house the whole time.  It’s crazy how fast your mind can take you to the darkest fears if you allow it.  Why had I allowed fear to take over? 

My worst fear is not that something bad will happen to me. No my worst fear is that something bad will happen to one of my children. For those that say “One can’t not love an adopted child like one would love their own” I have this to say.  You are dead wrong.  They are my children in every way possible. I laugh when they laugh, I cry when they cry and I hurt when they are sick or are in pain. I love them as my own for they ARE MY OWN.  In those 20 minutes this evening my whole world was turned upside down. I could not breathe. I don’t even want to consider things if he had not just been hiding by the chair. As I was running from room to room and looking outside all I could do was pray dear Lord help me find my son.  

After I held him for several minutes he climbed down and went off to see if his brother really was ok. I walked to the kitchen and lost it. I started crying and thanking God we had found him. Thirty minutes prior I was ready to place him in time out for running and now I was just thankful he was safe.    

After everyone had calmed down and all eyes were dry and heart rates were back to normal we sat down and had a talk about when it’s ok to play hide and seek and when it’s not.  

I held him a little longer tonight after he fell asleep in my arms. I just needed that extra bit of time with him. He will never know just how much I love him.  Thank you Jesus for keeping him safe tonight and every night. 
From our beautiful chaos to yours fear is cripl stand strong and trust in God. 

Author: beautifulchaosmomma

I am a stay at home mom to 7 wonderfully crazy children. I have two biological children and my husband and I have adopted five little ones through foster care. Our children are 23, 20, 8, 7, 5, 5, and 3. I recently self published a book called Beautiful Chaos Our Story about Foster Care, Adoption, Faith, and Love. Pick up your copy today on Amazon or on my website at beautifulchaosmomma.com ❤️

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